The Evil Doctor Explains It All To You

I Want One!

2006-08-08T12:07:00.000-05:00

In 1954, this is what they imagined a "home computer" would look like in 50 years. I wonder what they thought we would use it for? Most likely Prof. Frink was involved in this.

Gods And Monsters

2006-07-30T16:34:00.000-05:00

For reasons unknown, I got on a Frankenstein kick and saw the first four: Frankenstein (1931), Bride of Frankenstein (1935), Son of Frankenstein (1939), and The Ghost of Frankenstein (1942). Colin Clive plays the original Frankenstein in the first two. I always thought that Frank's first name was Victor, but it's Henry -- Victor was a minor character. Clive died 2 years after Bride from alcoholism. He was 39. Speaking as someone who likes to drink, I'm always curious about how a person can drink themself to death at an early age. Do they drink the entire day? Are they just exacerbating
a pre-existing condition?

The Dr. F in the 3rd is the original's son (played by Basil Rathbone aka Sherlock Holmes) and another son stars in the fourth. When we meet son #2, he's a psychiatrist/surgeon who's just developed a technique for removing a patient's brain, operating on it, and then replacing it in the patient. They're a bit fuzzy as to why it's necessary to remove the brain to operate on it.

The monster (played by Boris Karloff in the first 3, and Lon CHaney jr in the 4th) gets killed at the end of each movie, but in each sequel they find a reason why he really wasn't killed. By the time Dr.F #3 is faced with the monster, he decides that since the monster was assembled from spare parts, he can be disassembled. Dr.F then studies old manuscripts to discover how to perform the dissection -- I would have recommended renting "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

There's no Igor in the original -- Dr. F's hunchback assistant was Fritz but he was the first one bumped off. In 3 & 4, Bela Lugosi (Dracula) appears as Ygor, a very sinister character. At the end of the 4th his brain is put in the monster's head. However, Ygor/monster quickly goes blind because, as Dr.F explains, "Ygor and the monster have different blood." COnsidering that the monster was originally assembled from random parts, I wouldn't think tissue rejection would be a problem.

By far the best character in the whole series is Dr. Praetorius. He's evil, evil, evil, and very fey and gay. He shows Dr.F the results of his own weird experiments -- he has a series of full-grown 6-inch people living in jars. He claims to have grown these people "from seed" -- again short on details. "But, Dr. Frankenstein, your achievement was much greater than mine because you achieved size." I think Praetorius' achievment was a hell of a lot more impressive. It's Dr.P's idea to create a bride for the monster so they can create a race of monsters. When the bride rejects her prospective husband, the monster, in despair, pulls a switch which destroys the castle. I wonder what the original architect was thinking when he included a "self-destruct" mechanism is his blueprints.

Ok, that's enough for now.

At Least It's Not Breakfast Food

2006-07-19T21:21:00.000-05:00

In Kenosha County, Wisconsin, Michael Wilk holds his 12-year-old gator, with white markings that Wilk believes form the letters G-O-D on the scales. (from Fark).

Ok, let's assume it's a message from God -- it's the same message as a teenager spray-painting his name on the wall. Why not put messages on the side of pets around the world (in the local language) and say, "Hey, stop killing each other!" Or, "The cure to cancer is ..."

To my evil mind, "apparations" like this is just God's way of saying, "Yeah, I have nothing to say."

My next-to-last post was entitled "Next We'll Have Alligators." Obviously I'm prescient. Send me $10 and I'll read you future (it will only be good news, I promise).

But What Does It Mean?

2006-07-13T12:43:00.000-05:00

ALMATY (Reuters) - A chicken in a Kazakh village has laid an egg with the word "Allah" inscribed on its shell, state media reported Thursday.

It's good to know that it's not just Jesus who feels the need to appear on various breakfast foods.

Next We'll Have Alligators

2006-07-06T00:07:00.000-05:00

I just came across an interesting article via Fark. Some fisherman caught a piranha in the Des Plaines River (which is close to where I live). The article goes on to say that piranhas occasional show up in Lake Michigan.

How can a fish which lives in South America survive in Lake Michigan? It does make it more exciting to dangle your feet in the water.

That Sneaky Bastard!

2006-07-05T09:24:00.000-05:00

Watch the documentary Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room. If you're like me, you'll throw something at the tv. Those guys became jillionaires screwing over thousands of people. I wanted Ken Lay & Jeffrey Skilling hung or at least throw in some nasty prison for eternity.

So finally they were convicted of being scumbags, but weren't sentenced yet. This morning Ken Lay died of a heart attack. He was 64. That sneaky bastard! Not one day in jail! They better toss Skilling in the slammer today or else he'll croke too.

I Feel The Need To Talk

2006-06-21T21:18:00.000-05:00

I was just watching an episode of The Family Guy. Peter had to attend sensitivity training due to his sexist behavior. However, they overdo it and Peter gets too in touch with his feminine side.

There's a scene that had me howling. Peter is soaking in a tub and calls his male friend, Whatshisname. I imagined myself getting in touch with my feminine side and calling Dino, for example:

(ring)
D: Hello.
E: Hey, Dino.
D: Hi Evil, what's up?
E: Not much.
D: (long pause) Well, what do you want?
E: Nothing. I just called to talk. (pause) What are you thinking about?
D: Whadda ya mean, what am I thinking about, you called me!
E: I just wanted to say hi.
D: (hangs up)

I hate talking on the phone.

Dating Tips

2006-06-14T14:32:00.000-05:00

During my awkward teen years, I lacked poise and social grace (understatement), and to some degree I still do. However, I was never so bad as described below.

This is from an article titled 'Dating 101' in the Caltech student newspaper:

The Gay Bomb

2006-06-13T12:38:00.000-05:00

Do you ever watch Jay Leno? He has a segment called Jaywalking where he asks people-on-the-street incredibly simple questions ("Where was the Vietnam War fought?") and they don't know the answers ("Korea?"). It's funny but it's also very depressing -- it makes me weep for the state of education.

In a similar manner, the BBC has an item about some of the ridiculous ideas the Pentagon has considered. It's funny, but it's also scary when you consider the power these people hold in the world.

They were trying to trying to develop weird bombs that would hurt enemy morale:

"The plan for a so-called "love bomb" envisaged an aphrodisiac chemical that would provoke widespread homosexual behaviour among troops, causing what the military called a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale.

Scientists also reportedly considered a "sting me/attack me" chemical weapon to attract swarms of enraged wasps or angry rats towards enemy troops.

A substance to make the skin unbearably sensitive to sunlight was also pondered.

Another idea was to develop a chemical causing "severe and lasting halitosis", so that enemy forces would be obvious even when they tried to blend in with civilians."

Hail Satan!

2006-06-06T12:24:00.000-05:00

Today is 06/06/06. Behave accordingly.

The Perfect Wedding

2006-05-30T20:06:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday I attended the wedding of a friend I've had for over 30 years. It was the second marriage for him. I'm not sure about her previous marital status.

Initially, they had told everyone that they had "married themselves" -- i.e. no legal ceremony -- and the wedding party was a celebration of that fact. Then when we get to the party, they tell everyone that shortly before the party, they had made it legal. And I thought to myself, "How wonderfully considerate. They didn't make their friends sit through a boring ceremony -- just straight to the party." And the party wasn't held held in some stuffy reception hall -- they rented a local jazz club. There was great food, free drinks and really wonderful people. And before I forget, they insisted that no one brings wedding gifts -- instead they sent out a list of charities for donations.

That was the most perfect wedding I've ever attended.

HNT(3)

2006-05-25T00:12:00.000-05:00

Since I haven't posted HNT pix for a few weeks, I've decided to make this a twofer. A few years ago I commissioned a painting of myself in the nude:

The third is a bit too risque. I was in New Orleans for Mardi Gras and got a bit hammered. Be warned, it's not pretty.

My Experiment Worked!

2006-05-23T23:04:00.000-05:00

I love this! Yesterday I posted an experiment in traffic manipulation and listed the 30 most common search terms on the web. And it worked! Today I found a site called Paris Hilton Sex Bloglistings and it listed Information You NEED To Know & Photos No One Should See. Do me a favor and click on my link. If I generate enough traffic, maybe they'll keep my link there.

Also, all of you with blogs should create a post called Paris Hilton Sex!, and don't forget to link back here.

Paris Hilton! Sex! Paris Hilton! Sex! Paris Hilton! Sex! Paris Hilton! Sex! Paris Hilton! Sex! Paris Hilton! Sex! Paris Hilton! Sex! Paris Hilton! Sex! Paris Hilton! Sex! Paris Hilton! Sex! Paris Hilton! Sex! Paris Hilton! Sex! Paris Hilton! Sex! Paris Hilton! Sex! Paris Hilton! Sex! Paris Hilton! Sex!

__________________________________________

Update: I just checked that site and my link was already gone. However, there was now a link to THIS post. They must change links daily.

As You've Probably Noticed, I'm Drawn To News Stories About Genitalia Injuries

2006-05-22T23:51:00.000-05:00

This is from the Sunshine Coast Daily (Australia):

Woman 'chomped' at officer's groin: court

23.05.2006
By RAE WILSON

BRACE yourself boys: you will cringe.

Police Constable Anthony Jennings certainly did when he felt a "crushing sensation" in the groin.

"Excruciating pain" were the words he used to describe the moment Maria Klaus allegedly "chomped" on his penis after a domestic violence incident in Maroochydore a year ago.

The softly spoken Const Jennings, 43, had to share possibly his worst day on the job in the Maroochydore District Court in front a jury and the woman accused of seriously assaulting him twice.

Const Jennings and Constable Leonie Scott were called to Ms Klaus' unit in Beach Parade at 5:30pm on June 12.

The pair testified that Kevin Hughes was waiting at the door of the unit and had invited them in to speak "to her".

Const Jennings said the 38-year-old Klaus appeared, wet and wrapped in a towel, and started yelling.

He said she pushed Mr Hughes hard in the chest with two hands, and twice threw a three-year-old child by one arm behind her.

Const Jennings said the first assault ensued when he placed his hand on Ms Klaus¡¦ left arm and told her he was detaining her under the Domestic and Family Violence Act.

He said he had trouble gripping Ms Klaus because she was naked and wet and the pair ended up on the ground.

"It was a flurry of head-butts, bites, kneeing me and punching," he said.

"There was ... gnashing of teeth. As her face was coming towards me she was snapping her teeth, chomping.

"I actually felt her nose go into my mouth. When I was on the ground I felt my face, it was covered in saliva and there was blood."

Const Jennings said he had to break his tie to release Ms Klaus' grip, whereupon she kicked him in the chest and shoulder with her feet.

"She was yelling at me that she was going to get my balls," he said.

"Even though she was small ... she was quite muscular and powerful."

Back-up arrived after the pair eventually got handcuffs on Ms Klaus to help escort her downstairs to a van.

Const Jennings said his attention was only diverted for a few seconds when he felt ¡§a sudden crushing pain¡¨.

"I felt an excruciating pain at the end of my penis ... I looked down and her head was over the top of my groin and she was biting me," he said.

"I was in a lot of pain, shock and I screamed."

Barrister Steve Courtney suggested police were not invited into the unit, Const Jennings did not understand his detaining powers under the domestic violence legislation and Ms Klaus did not bite the policeman's penis.

But Constable Leonie Scott backed up his claims when she took the stand.

The trial continues today.

American Sumo

2006-05-22T22:37:00.000-05:00

I just saw a commercial on tv that I have to share with you. If you're anywhere in North America, I'm sure you're familiar with "professional" wrestling. If you're unaware of it, well I don't think I could possibly describe it.

And you're probably familiar with the catchphrase, "Get ready to rummmbbllleee!" Ok, play that line in your head, but substitute the word "sumo" for "rumble." That's the commercial I just saw. They're pitching something called the International Sumo Wrestling League. I'm trying to decide what it could possibly be like. If it's traditional sumo, then the fans of Hulk Hogan & The Rock would be bored shitless.

But how could they change sumo to make it attractive to the traditional wrestling fan? A real sumo match lasts a few seconds. What could they do to make it last 10 or 15 minutes? The two wrestlers come out and spread salt to ritualistically cleanse the ring. Then they do those leg stretches. And then, as they charge each other, one pulls a lug wrench out of his diaper and cracks the other guy over the head.

Seriously, how could they make sume wrestling appealing to Americans?

Information You NEED To Know & Photos No One Should See

2006-05-22T18:20:00.000-05:00

I've talked about this before, but it amazes me how people get to this blog. Apparently half the traffic comes from a post I did long ago about "sploshing." So I'm doing a post using the most common search terms on the net.

From Google I found Ask Dave Taylor. According to him, the 30 most common search terms are:

pussy, porn, google, boobs, hentai, Paris Hilton, ebay, yahoo, sex, milf, tits, girls, free porn, lesbians, Jessica Simpson, eminem, poetry, Carmen Electra, games, dogs, Jenna Jameson, myspace, Pamela Anderson, 50 cent, yahoo.com, nude, games cheat, 89.com, mapquest, girls gone wild

I had to look up "hentai." I wasn't motivated enough to see what 89.com is.

For the next few days, you'll probably have problems logging onto this blog due to heavy traffic.

Today is very sunny and it seemed a good time to take some HNT photos. This Thursday, no doubt, there will be a stampede to this blog.

A Way With Words

2006-05-20T12:17:00.000-05:00

Slate collects Bushisms -- those witty things the President says on occasion. There was one I particularly enjoyed:

"I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome."—Philadelphia, Dec. 12, 2005, on the reception of American forces in Iraq

I guess that's true, in a way. We did receive a "welcome" of sorts - just not a friendly one.

And on a completely unrelated topic, it took me a minute to realize what was odd about the following photos:

A Firm Handshake

2006-05-17T13:49:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me that it's been some time since I've posted about genitalia injuries, so:

The happy couple live in Philadelphia.

...Police say the wife believed her husband, Howard Randall, was cheating on her. So, while he slept, police say the woman grabbed and squeezed a part of his male anatomy.

Randall was rushed to Einstein Hospital with severe bleeding. Doctors first labeled his condition critical but he is now listed in stable condition at the hospital...

That "severe bleeding" sounds horrible, and I refuse to try and picture what actually is bleeding. The wife was initially charged with attempted murder, but, you'll be happy to hear, the charge was reduced to domestic abuse.

Cairo Likes Sex

2006-05-12T23:58:00.000-05:00

There's a website I enjoy called Fark. It mentioned a Google service I was unfamiliar with. You enter a search term and Google generates a chart of frequency over time as well as the top ten cities using that search term.

Fark entered "sex" and noticed that Muslim cities found that term popular. Cairo was #1, followed by cities in India & Turkey. No US city made the top 10 (prudes).

I tried a few other searches:

big tits - top 5 UK & Canada (Chicago #8)
big jugs - top 9 UK + Minneapolis
breasts - India & UK (Minneapolis #8 -- what's going on in Minneapolis?)
Sin - all latin countries (La Paz #1)
Death - all 10 in US
Al Capone - Chicago, of course, was #1, but Amsterdam & Zurich also made the list. I wonder why.
Michael Jackson - Lima, Peru #1?! Only two US cities.

HNT(2)

2006-05-04T09:18:00.000-05:00

This morning I was racing around late for work. The tv news said that the morning was going to be sunny but there would be thunderstorms during the commute home. It occured to me that tonight there wouldn't be enough sunlight for an HNT photo, so I needed to take the pic before going to work.

It takes some time to set things up and get it just right. Even though I was late for work, I was pissing around taking half-nekkid photos of myself. Needless to say, I was REALLY late for work.

In the past, my favorite excuse for being late was, "I forgot."
Now, my favorite is, "I needed to take half-nekkid photos of myself."

HNT(1)

2006-04-27T00:04:00.000-05:00

A little over a week ago I threatened to start practising HNT (half-nekkid Thursday). If you're unfamiliar with (or have forgotten) the concept, see Rules, Regulations and Legal Disclaimers.

I felt like such an idiot taking this photo. It's been a long time since I used my digital camera and I couldn't remember how to set the 10-sec. timer. There are a ton of pix of a blurry me trying to get into position. After a while I thought, "Evil, isn't there a better use of your time?" But, to tell the truth, I have that thought about 30 times a day.

Post Cards

2006-04-24T15:39:00.000-05:00

There's a website I enjoy called PostSecret. It's supposed to be an art project where people write a secret on a home-made post card and mail it in.

The secrets range from the cute to the malicious, and from boastfulness to self-loathing.

I like the following:
"I got a parking citation and so did the car next to me. I replaced the ticket on the car next to me with mine. My ticket got paid."

I don't find the above's moral dilemma interesting (i.e. screwing the guy next to you). What I found interesting is what you assume about the unseen owner of the car next to you. Is he/she the responsible type who will pay the ticket immediately? Or are they scoff-laws or neer-do-wells who will throw the ticket away?

What does the make of the car say about the owner? Does the junker belong to someone who can't afford to pay the ticket (and ergo won't)? But does a new Jaguar belong to someone with a strong sense of entitlement (and ergo won't pay the ticket)? I would want a soccer mom's car -- a minivan with childrens' car seats. She would pay the ticket but would be too harried to look at it too closely.

Elephant In A Tree

2006-04-21T14:47:00.000-05:00

It's possible. . . I guess ... I mean, I'm assuming those branches are reinforced with rebar.

Alcohol In The News

2006-04-19T15:37:00.000-05:00

I came across two news items today concerning alcohol and very small children.

The first is from Beighton (UK). A woman celebrating her birthday takes her children out to a restaurant. Her 6-year-old orders a virgin strawberry daiquiri from the children's menu. As you can probably guess, he was served a regular strawberry daiquiri and, within a few minutes, became violently ill.

Ok, that one was human error, but the next one is deliberate.

CHARLOTTE, N.C.: an absentee jackass 18-year-old father was visiting his 3-month-old baby and the mother when he put brandy into the baby's bottle and then let him drink it. The f'ed-up father told police that he "wanted to get tipsy with his son."

I need a drink.

God I'm Boring

2006-04-18T22:30:00.000-05:00

There's something I want to talk about, but the problem is it's boring. To counteract this, I'll begin with material that's more interesting and then slip-in the boring stuff. Feel free to stop reading whenever you like. BE WARNED: NUDITY IS INVOLVED! (see how I try to hold your interest?)

There's an increasing segment of the blogosphere that practices something called HNT (half-nekked Thursday). The idea is that you post a photo of yourself showing some skin. Why Thursday? Who knows. The bulk of these photos are things like naked feet, naked arms etc. The photos range from the innocuous to the risque. For some reason, I find this fascinating. I've decided to take a bunch of snaps of myself and start celebrating HNT (probably not this thursday, but next week definitely - consider that a warning).

What prompted this post is a blog I link to called Ys World. She's a practioner of HNT. This past Thursday she posted about her birthday and included a photo of her ass. She was standing in (what I assume is) her livingroom. Her dog is wandering around. You can see the furniture, the windows, etc. My first reaction was to post a comment, but given my age (54), I'm always reluctant to post to young women's blogs -- I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm a dirty old man.

In the background of the photo in question was a telescope. So, I explained how I planned to buy a telescope and asked her for recommendations. The next day she posted about what an ego-deflatter my comment was -- i.e. you post a photo of your ass and the comments ignore that fact of your ass and instead discuss the drapes. Again, I'm sorry!

Ok, this segue to hard to explain (here comes the boring stuff): what the above makes me think of is the Global Village. I currently make my living designing webpages, administering databases, etc. When I was 5 (or 25), if you tried to explain my job to people, they'd be bewildered -- there was nothing remotely comparable. The world has truly changed in a profound way.

When I first started making webpages for the net, I was amazed by the idea that someone in Tokyo could access information from my database and instantly see any changes I made. I've been doing this work now since the last Ice Age and I still find that idea extraordinary. I can't get over the idea that I can go online and chitchat with people from Nairobi or Seattle. We're becoming a global village.

And the net isn't the only technology that amazes me. I love the idea of taping tv shows and fast-forwarding through the commercials (ha ha ha, what control I have!) I frequently give a kiss of gratitude to my microwave. I usually fall asleep hugging the remote control to my tv.

When I was your age, we had to walk to school through blizzards and we had to use slide rules! (To tell the truth, I never learned to use a slide rule, but its' true that geeks actually carried them around in holsters on their belt -- along with their plastic pocket protectors).

Adorably Cute

2006-04-14T14:25:00.000-05:00

These are baby porcupines. Aren't they adorably cute. I'm posting this to prove a point. I LIKE cute things. I LIKE adorable things. I like raindrops. And roses. And whiskey in kittens.

Something. Something. And warm, swollen pigeons.

BTW, does anyone know what porcupine birth is like? I hope for Mom's sake, they're hatched from eggs.

This Blog Worries Me

2006-04-12T23:11:00.000-05:00

There are two women in my office who have access to the records of everyone on the planet. They know the most intimate details of my life. They have copies of my grade school permanent record. (I was shocked to learn that those teachers weren't lying when they said, "This is going on your Permanent Record!"). When I arrive at work on Monday, they'll say, "How was your weekend? Did you enjoy your trip to you-know-where?" I'll blush and stammer, "I don't know what you're referring to."

This afternoon, one of them called and asked, "Evil Doctor, do you have a blog?" "Uummm ... why do you ask?" "No reason." Immediately I became paranoid and guilty. I started going through the blog, looking for anything that would be embarrassing if it became public knowledge.

Actually, it wouldn't be a big deal if these two particular women were to read this blog, but I'm convinced that it's only a matter of time before everyone here knows the true identity of The Evil Doctor.

I'm giving serious thought to deleting this blog.

The Onion

2006-04-06T15:04:00.000-05:00

During my science days, I was a frequent contributor to Cock-Sucking Science.

Egotistical Men That Have Quit Smoking

2006-04-03T13:07:00.000-05:00

The title of this post was a search query which brought the user to this blog. The "egotistical" part reminded me of something I was doing this weekend. But first:

Recently I've been posting about genitalia injuries. I came across one this morning, but I want to hide it among other material.

'John' Needs Operation After Hooker Bites Penis For Non-Payment
by Mitch Marconi
Apr 3, 2006

A hooker who bit her client's penis reportedly so hard that he required an operation has denied grievous bodily harm with intent, according to a report from the UK...

It was alleged that afterwards she asked O'Leary for more cash, becoming more aggressive as her requests continued. While performing a sex act on O'Leary he told her he did not have any more cash.

Ok, now on to the egotistical part:

Are you familiar with Sudoku? It's a numerical puzzle played on a 9x9 grid. Recently it's become very popular and can usually be found in newspapers next to the crossword. I started playing for the first time on Friday and over the weekend became fanatical about it. At first it seems bewildering, but gradually you start to notice patterns which suggest strategies for solving the puzzle.

There's a website which times your sudoku-solving ability and compares you to the rest of the human race. Even though I had only been playing for only 2 days, I felt I was getting pretty good. When I compared my time with others, the computer said "80% of players scored better than you," "90% ..." This is like saying that 9 out of 10 men are better lovers than me. I mean, the idea is absurd.

As if the computer could read my mind, it included the statement, "Are you smarter than this? Take our IQ Test and find out!" If I don't trust their sudoku results, why would I believe their IQ test?

The Sounds Of Silence

2006-03-29T16:55:00.000-06:00

For including a 60-second piece of silence on their album, the Planets were threatened with a lawsuit by the estate of composer John Cage, which said they’d ripped off his silent work 4’33”. The Planets countered that the estate failed to specify which 60 of the 273 seconds in Cage’s piece had been pilfered.

I love the idea that someone claims to have a copyright on silence. I want to copyright the sound of one hand clapping.

Holy Cahones!

2006-03-27T11:50:00.000-06:00

Toledo
Girl Uses Hammer To Escape

A 14-year-old girl told Toledo police she was abducted Tuesday by a man with a gun but got away with help from a hammer.

Police said the quick-thinking teen found it in the man's car and used it to hit him in the groin.

According to police, the man forced the girl into his car while she was walking to her school bus stop and said he wanted sex. So, she told him she had dropped her ring in the car and went searching for it. That's when she felt the hammer under her seat.

Police said the girl told them she remembered a lesson from school to always search for a weapon in that kind of situation.

She was not hurt and ran to her grandmother's house. The suspect is still being sought.

Copyright 2006 by The Associated Press.

I'm surprised that the suspect hasn't been found yet. After getting hit in the nuts with a hammer he, at the very least, would have to go to a hospital. Maybe he went into shock. Could you die from something like that? If he did die, good.

The Frig

2006-03-25T15:04:00.000-06:00

I doubt if many of you will remember William "The Refrigerator" Perry. He played for the Chicago Bears during their celebrated 1985 season. His nickname came from the fact that he was 6'2" and 370 lbs. and looked like a walking refrigerator.

On my return flight from Las Vegas, Perry sat a few seats in front of me. The reason this was surprizing was that I was flying Southwest. For those of you unfamiliar with this airline, it's the extreme in "no-frills." There are no seats and the passengers just huddle together. There's straw on the floor for urinating etc.

So, either William Perry is extremely cheap or else he's fallen on hard times. Apparently Southwest is unaccostumed to having even semi-celebrities on their flights. The pilot announced his presence over the PA.

Thanks to google, I found out why he was coming back to Chicago. After leaving the NFL he was briefly a pro-wrestling novelty act (contradiction in terms?).

TWO NEW NAMES CONFIRMED FOR WWE HALL OF FAME INDUCTION
by Dave Scherer @ 1:51:00 PM on 3/22/2006

WWE has announced that William "The Refrigerator" Perry is being inducted into the Celebrity Wing of the Hall Of Fame on April 1. It makes sense since the bulk of Perry's NFL career (pun intended) took place in Chicago for the Bears. Perry was one of the NFL players to compete in the NFL/WWF Battle Royal at WrestleMania 2 at the Rosemont Horizon.

From The Mumbai Mirror

2006-03-17T13:06:00.000-06:00

This is an item from The Mumbai Mirror. I had to google Mumbai. It was previously known as Bombay (see how educational this blog is?).

Austria: Police in Austria have caught two teenagers who wrecked their school by studying photocopies of their bums.

The 15-year-old boys broke into the Linz High School and wrecked havoc, causing more than £6,000 Rs (466,803) of damage.

Threats against teachers were scrawled across walls, holes drilled in floors, ketchup smeared on desks, gym equipment destroyed and windows smashed.

And as a final touch, they photocopied their bottoms on the school machine and left the pictures on display in the staff room. But police were able to catch the pair after enlarging the pictures.

Unfortunately they don't explain what was so unique about those asses that they were able to track them down. Tatoos? Unusually cute butts?

I won't be around next week. I'm heading to Sin City on Sunday. Wish me luck. Guest bloggers welcome.

Deep Within The Hidden Corners Of The Psyche

2006-03-16T13:55:00.000-06:00

According to today's Chicago Sun-Times:

Sue Ellen Wooldridge, assistant attorney general of the Justice Department's Environment and Natural Resources Division, has castrated sheep with her teeth.

Now why would she do such a thing?

Belly Days

2006-03-16T07:59:00.000-06:00

According to this morning's BBC website:

Men's beer belly 'days are over'

Men said David Beckham had the physique they most aspired to
The days when a man's beer belly was shown off as a symbol of his manliness are over, a study has suggested.

Well talk about bad timing! For eons I've had something of a gut, but lately I've cultivated its shape and general 'ripeness.' Blame it on quitting smoking of course.

I've known a lot of guys who were accepting of their big guts, but I've never known anyone who was actually proud of his beer belly "as a symbol of his manliness."

Yep, my manliness is becoming obvious for all to behold.

Was Coffee Discovered Or Invented?

2006-03-15T13:32:00.000-06:00

A week or so ago, I came across an article in The Independent (UK) about How Islamic Inventors Changed the World. They list 20 earthshattering inventions and discoveries. I wanted to post the URL but procrastinated. I just checked and it has already been archived -- you would need to pay (them, not me) to see the entire story.

However, you can still see #1 (the item which inspired me to post): 1 The story goes that an Arab named Khalid was tending his goats in the Kaffa region of southern Ethiopia, when he noticed his animals became livelier after eating a certain berry. He boiled the berries to make the first coffee. Certainly the first record of the drink is of beans exported from Ethiopia to Yemen where Sufis drank it to stay awake all night to pray on special occasions. By the late 15th century it had arrived in Mecca and Turkey from where it made its way to Venice in 1645. It was brought to England in 1650 by a Turk named Pasqua Rosee who opened the first coffee house in Lombard Street in the City of London. The Arabic qahwa became the Turkish kahve then the Italian caffé and then English coffee.

Any race that can invent coffee is ok in my book. I NEED coffee.

The title of this post: if you find something that already existed, that's a discovery (e.g. the Curies and radium). if you create something which didn't previously exist, that's an invention (e.g. cartoon supervillians and genetically engineered killer viruses). So, was coffee discovered or invented? Coffee beans existed, but what about that brown liquid most of us have come to know and love?

Two Things Oriental

2006-03-12T22:55:00.000-06:00

Japan has some interesting ideas about their death row. I'm opposed to the death penalty but it's still interesting. They have a very low murder rate and a small death row. What's interesting is that Japan keeps the date of execution secret from everyone including the prisoner. After all appeals have been exhausted (which can take 20 to 40 years!) ..." executions will come without notice, on the whim and with the stamp of the justice minister. There are no last meals. Hangings are carried out without witnesses, and the inmate's family members aren't informed until the prisoner is dead and they are told to collect the body."

So which is crueler? To tell the prisoner the date he/she will die, or just take him/her by surprise? I guess the Japanese way is more like how we all live our life -- none of us know about that bus that's going to flatten us this afternoon.

Oriental Thing #2: I had take-out chinese for dinner tonight. My fortune cookie had no fortune in it! That has never happened to me before. What does it mean? Is it some Sixth Sense thing where I'm dead but don't know it? If I were dead, would any of you tell me?

Understanding The Testes

2006-03-09T17:18:00.000-06:00

The internet taught me something new today -- it's possible to die from something called "torsion of the testis." This occurs when a testis twists around in the scrotum. An emergency operation is needed to treat this. (see diagram).

Yes, but how exactly does one die from testis torsion? I'm not completely clear on this point, but I can show statistics regarding those countries with the highest per capita rate of death from torsion of the testis.

Australia is #1.

I Can Do It, But You Don't Have A Chance, Asshole.

2006-03-08T21:04:00.000-06:00

If you ever want me to slap you, just say, "If I can do it, anyone can." That expression makes me lose it. It's said by people who have either just quit smoking (like myself) or lost weight. What I hate about it is that, since "anyone" can do it, it's not an achievement at all. In fact, I'm sorry I even mentioned it.

If you lose a lot of weight, that's a big fuckin' achievement. If you're a heavy smoker like me and you quit, that's a big fuckin' achievement. In fact, not everyone can do it: It takes a special sort of person like me and my skinny friend over here.

Today I got a call at work from a friend who wanted to tell me she was in day 3 of non-smoking. I like to think I'm a Force For Good. About 10 years ago, I quit smoking for 2 years. I gained 25 pounds. It wasn't pretty. When I was talking to my friend, I started mentioning the possible negative effects (i.e. weight gain). I occurred to me that I hadn't weighed myself since quitting (Jan 1). When I got home, I got on the scale. Jesus H.! I've doubled my weight!

But What About Big Jugs?

2006-03-01T13:04:00.000-06:00

According to The Times (London) -- THE modern gentleman may prefer blondes. But new research has found that it was cavemen who were the first to be lured by flaxen locks.

According to the study, north European women evolved blonde hair and blue eyes at the end of the Ice Age to make them stand out from their rivals at a time of fierce competition for scarce males.

Words Of Inspiration

2006-02-28T12:27:00.000-06:00

Death and Goodbyes

2006-02-25T10:12:00.000-06:00

Someone sent me a website about famous last words. They had a section on executions, and I found a couple of interesting cases.

Thomas J. Grasso was executed by injection in Oklahoma, March 20, 1995. His last words -- I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this. As Rev. Lovejoy said, "If that's the worst thing to happen to you today, consider yourself lucky."

George Engel was one of four executed on the gallows after the 1886 Haymarket bombing in Chicago. His goodbye -- Hurrah for anarchy! This is the happiest moment of my life. If that was the happiest moment, we're talking about one seriously unhappy life.

The website has a section on suicides. Clara Blandick was the actress who played Auntie Em in The Wizard of Oz. In 1962 she killed herself with sleeping pills, and had a plastic bag tied over her head. Grizzly.

6.5 Billion

2006-02-22T14:12:00.000-06:00

According to the U.S. Census Bureau World Population Clock, the population of Planet Earth will reach 6.5 billion today at 6:16 pm (Chicago time) -- that's exactly 4 hours from when I'm writing this. I don't know about you, but at exactly 6:16 I'm doind a shot of Jack to celebrate.

Cut’n’paste - Blog remix.

2006-02-21T14:32:00.000-06:00

I was reading random blogs and came across one called Walk Like You Carry A Gun. She had a post (Cut’n’paste - Blog remix -- Saturday, Feb.11, 2006) which I thought was very clever. What she did was to go to various blogs, select random phrases, and cut-n-paste them together to form a story. She linked each part back to its source, so if you run your mouse over the story, you can see where each fragment came from.

Here's a sample paragraph (without the links):

I'm thinking, I really ought to get a bunch of friends I can actually call on to beat people up.
Pete stares a bit more, blinks, then a grin appears.
"So Does it hurt?”
"Have you ever tried to stick a flute up your vagina and play the Star Spangled Banner? That's a lot of pain and a hell of a lot of blood. About a skip-full, by my reckoning."

When We Look At Pornography, The Terrorists Win

2006-02-20T14:47:00.000-06:00

Two uniformed men (from Homeland Security) strolled into the main room of the Little Falls library in Bethesda one day last week and demanded the attention of all patrons using the computers. Then they made their announcement: The viewing of Internet pornography was forbidden.

For the complete article...

I wonder what was going through the mind of these two guys to make them behave like that?

I Want One

2006-02-16T15:24:00.000-06:00

This is from an online gift shop.

Jesus Nodder
The Jesus Nodder is a plastic bobble-headed tribute to a remarkable man. Humbly dressed in common robes, Jesus stands 7-1/2" tall and offers a gesture of blessing with his hand. Put him on your dashboard and he just might inspire you to exercise patience and forgiveness on the highway. Comes in a window box with fascinating Jesus quotes and history.

Jesus Nodder
item 10972
$7.50 ea.

Jesus Playing Hoops Statue
Jesus busts out the sky hook, an almost unstoppable move, especially when playing basketball against a couple of little kids. Let everyone know JC is the MVP of your team and place this 7" ceramic statue in your home or office.

Jesus Playing Hoops Statue
item M6067
$24.95 ea.

McLosers

2006-02-15T12:55:00.000-06:00

I'm the last person in the world to argue in favor of obscenely expensive weddings, but this is ridiculous.

In an effort to save money, newlyweds, Corey and Doreen Cutchen held their wedding reception at a McDonald's restaurant on North Ocean Avenue in Farmingville.
(Newsday / Kathy Kmonicek)
February 14, 2006

Yesterday, the 50 wedding guests who gathered for fast food on North Ocean Avenue ate 14 cheeseburger value meals, 13 Filet-o-Fish sandwiches, 17 Chicken McNugget meals and four hot fudge sundaes -- all washed down with 44 medium sodas. They topped the meal off with complimentary slices of chocolate Ronald McDonald cake.

The grand total for the feast was just $250.59.

Why didn't they rent the local bar and serve sandwiches? And look at how they're dressed for their McWedding!

Another Birthday Boy

2006-02-15T12:18:00.000-06:00

I feel bad that I forgot Charles' birthday.

It was on the 12th. Darwin's 200th Birthday will be February 12, 2009; it will also be the 150th Anniversary of the publication of his famous book On The Origin of Species, so we'll have to have a big party to celebrate.

Ya Just Gotta Love Those Spin Doctors

2006-02-14T10:33:00.000-06:00

Shades of George Orwell -- according to the White House, Cheney didn't shoot that guy, he "peppered" him. Yeah I can think of a few people I'd like to pepper. Pepper their ass straight to hell.

V.P. Dick Cheney Shoots Some Guy

2006-02-13T00:00:00.000-06:00

I love this news item:

Our beloved Dickhead Cheney "shot and wounded a prominent Austin, Tex. lawyer on Saturday while the two men were quail hunting in South Texas, firing a shotgun at the man while trying to aim for a bird, a member of the hunting party said."

We all know what happened: the lawyer made some snide remark about all that Halliburton kickback money Cheney has earned in the past 6 years, and The Dick "accidentially" shot him.

Don't screw with The Dick.

I Must Have Slept During That Class

2006-02-12T02:34:00.000-06:00

I was just reading a random woman's blog. She had posted about the sex equivalent of a tupperware party she had just attended. Apparently it was in anticipation of a friend's wedding.

She talked about the popular items as if everyone would naturally know what she was referring to. Uuummmm, not all of us did.

What's a wascally wabbit?

Just Some Web Photos

2006-02-10T13:52:00.000-06:00

The last one is there because I couldn't find a Mohammed cartoon.

Lies, It's All Lies.

2006-01-30T17:05:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago, a friend sent some before and after photos showing the wonders of makeup.

Of course, the last set of photos was a horse's ass and George Bush.

What struck me about the photo above is what a lie it is. When I first meet a woman, I can lie about my salary or age or about whether or not I'm married with seven children.

But the woman in the photo is lying even before she opens her mouth. As soon as she walks into the room, she's lying about what she looks like. She has spent hours preparing to deceive everyone she meets. And, of course, that's just the first lie she tells.

Women are not to be trusted.

Birthday Boy!

2006-01-27T11:06:00.000-06:00

Happy 250th!!

Just For Its General Weirdness ...

2006-01-26T12:54:00.000-06:00

Alternative Churches

2006-01-25T16:42:00.000-06:00

As some of you are aware, I'm the founder of The Church of Happy Thoughts. The church was created a few years ago (primarily for tax purposes). I must confess that I haven't been "selling-the-faith" lately as much as I should.

I just came across an interesting competitor -- The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

The C of the FSM is advancing an alternative theory to both evolution and intelligent design.

I think they deserve a hearing.

More Lasers

2006-01-25T12:08:00.000-06:00

Two weeks ago I posted about the use of lasers in stopping smoking. I just came across an article in the Chicago Tribune about this idea. I still don't believe it, but here's what they said:

Lasers: Zap away the habit

Michael Malishkevich, 44, of Northbrook was a pack-a-day smoker for 20 years when he decided it was time to quit. He tried using nicotine gum, which worked for a short while, but soon enough, he was back to his old habit. That's when a friend recommended lasers, a non-invasive technique based on acupuncture that uses low-level lasers to stimulate nerve endings on and around the ear, nose, hands and wrists.

The theory, explained Laurie Peterson, a certified laser technician and owner of Laser Concepts of Chicago, is that stimulating nerve endings releases endorphins, the "feel-good chemicals" that are released when a smokers takes a drag from a cigarette. Only with laser therapy, "we elevate endorphin levels, which stay high over a period of days," thus decreasing nicotine cravings. "We're not only helping to suppress physical need for nicotine but to suppress appetite and anxiety," Peterson said of the 25-minute, $295 session (which includes free return visits within the first 10 days and once in the next six months).

Malishkevich said he felt no discomfort as the "cold laser" (different than the lasers used to remove hair) touched his skin, and he never puffed a cigarette post-treatment. But he declined to label lasers a panacea, simply because of the willpower that has been involved.

I dunno. It doesn't make sense to me. Even if you just get high for a few days, you'll still experience cravings come sobriety.

BTW, I've only had 2 cigarettes this year. God, I'm wonderful.

Web Award

2006-01-19T14:12:00.000-06:00

...And the prize for strangest website goes to ... Celebrity Skin!

According to their homepage, "Celebrity Skin was formed in 2003 by an anonymous collective of former Hollywood personal assistants." Apparently these personal assistants have been able to collect some very personal items from their former employers. The website sells fecal matter, urine, skin cells, and bacteria collected from various celebrities. Price varies according to the level of fame of the former owner. For example, Robin Williams' fecal matter sells for $33 (they don't say what volume or weight they're talking about). I'm surprised they don't include hair or used tampons.

I can imagine a masseuse discreetly collecting some skin cells or bacteria, but how does a personal assistant collect urine or fecal matter? Regardless of how rich and famous I became, I'd still use the toilet (and flush) all by myself.

I can't remember the source, but I once heard that Prince Charles had an assistant who brushed his (Charles') teeth every morning. I find that a very funny image. It would be great to have Jessica Alba give me a shave, but no, I wouldn't want her brushing my teeth.

The Cost of Things

2006-01-17T16:08:00.000-06:00

I've added a new feature in the right-hand column (just after Thought For The Day). It's a running total of what the Iraq Invasion has cost so far (based on congressional appropriations).

The code for that was stolen from National Priorities

Laser Patch

2006-01-12T17:11:00.000-06:00

I just saw a tv commercial for stopping smoking -- "Tried the patch and nicotine gum, and nothing helped? Try Laser Concepts of Chicago." People give testimonials about how they walked in addicted to nicotine, but walked out cigarette-free for life.

Who cares if it works or not -- what I want to know is what they laser. What could they possibly zap that would reduce cravings for cigarettes? The only thing I can imagine is to use the laser as a threat -- "If we catch you smoking again, we'll laser your weiner."

Mens' Problems

2006-01-09T16:05:00.000-06:00

There's an office in the med center I pass on occasion. On the door it says, "Andrology." I had assumed it has something to do with sex hormones or men in particular (e.g. androgens). The definition I just found is, "a branch of medicine concerned with male diseases and especially with those affecting the male reproductive system"

Other than prostate and Viagra problems, what would qualify as "Mens' Problems" -- at least in terms of andrology. I have to leave work early today, I'm having mens' problems.

You Wouldn't Know A High-Class Bite Mark If It Jumped Up and Bit You In The Ass.

2006-01-07T18:58:00.000-06:00

How stereotypic! I stopped smoking on Jan 01. For a few days I used the patch. Then, I started cutting the patch in half. And now I'm going patchless. I want to go out into the street and bite people. +

It's That Time Of Year Again

2005-12-31T21:52:00.000-06:00

Last year I posted a list of resolutions for 2005. Needless to say, I failed miserably. However, I like to put a positive spin on it -- I'm ahead of the game for 2006 in that I had the foresight to create my list a year in advance.

Two Political & One Fun

2005-12-31T21:50:00.000-06:00

Over the holidays, I saw a few interesting movies and I recommend all of them. Munich -- I don't understand what the controversy is about. It's silly to call the movie "pro Palestinian." Doesn't it go without saying that assassinations contain moral ambiguity?

Syriana -- this has to be one of the most complicated movies I've ever seen. I don't think you're meant to completely understand what's going on -- it's all part of the extreme complexity of the forces acting in the middle east.

War of the WOrlds -- I just saw this one on DVD. If you haven't seen it, don't read the rest of this. The first shot of the movie starts inside the nucleus of a protozoan and pulls back to show all the microbes within a drop of water on a leaf. And then the water drop becomes the planet earth. What I liked about that was, assuming you're familiar with the original story, they were announcing that they weren't going to change the ending. The effects are spectacular and the story, even though familiar, is still scary. I was willing to forgive some of the implausibilities and the final scene (the wife's Boston house is miraculously intact, and out of nowhere the son reappears alive and well -- it would have been impossible to escape being fried). Gene Barry starred in the original 1953 version and he has a cameo as Ray's father-in-law.

I read Ebert's review of Worlds. He hated it. Apparently he objected to Spielberg making a movie so at odds with E.T., and also that the story was too familiar. Oh shut up.

20 Things We Didn't Know This Time Last Year

2005-12-30T21:07:00.000-06:00

The BBC website had an article called 100 things we didn't know this time last year. I've reduced it to 20:

6. WD-40 dissolves cocaine - it has been used by a pub landlord to prevent drug-taking in his pub's toilets. I don't understand this. Where would the landlord put the WD-40?

8. Devout Orthodox Jews are three times as likely to jaywalk as other people, according to an Israeli survey reported in the New Scientist. The researchers say it's possibly because religious people have less fear of death.

14. It's possible for a human to blow up balloons via the ear. A 55-year-old factory worker from China reportedly discovered 20 years ago that air leaked from his ears, and he can now inflate balloons and blow out candles.

16. The London borough of Westminster has an average of 20 pieces of chewing gum for every square metre of pavement. How attractive.

20. The Queen has never been on a computer, she told Bill Gates as she awarded him an honorary knighthood.

22. The length of a man's fingers can reveal how physically aggressive he is, scientists say. (story)

23. In America it's possible to subpoena a dog. (story) this one is misleading -- it's just those snooty brits trying to make us americans look dumb.

29. When faced with danger, the octopus can wrap six of its legs around its head to disguise itself as a fallen coconut shell and escape by walking backwards on the other two legs, scientists discovered.

32. "Restaurant" is the most mis-spelled word in search engines.

39. Australians host barbecues at polling stations on general election days.

40. An average Briton will spend £1,537,380 during his or her lifetime, a survey from insurer Prudential suggests.

44. Rubber gloves could save you from lightning.

54. Deep Throat is reportedly the most profitable film ever. It was made for $25,000 (£13,700) and has grossed more than $600m.

61. You can bet on your own death. Well, what would prevent you? I bet I'll be dead before the end of the century.

62. MPs use communal hairbrushes in the washrooms of the Houses of Parliament.

67. Giant squid eat each other - especially during sex.

69. First-born children are less creative but more stable, while last-born are more promiscuous, says US research.

76. The day when most suicides occurred in the UK between 1993 and 2002 was 1 January, 2000. Millenarianism gone beserk.

78. One in 18 people has a third nipple.

100. Musical instrument shops must pay an annual royalty to cover shoppers who perform a recognisable riff before they buy, thereby making a "public performance".

101. Scientists prove that whiskey cures herpes. (I made that one up.)

Strange Traffic

2005-12-30T13:02:00.000-06:00

Not surprisingly, the bulk of the traffic to this blog is from people here for strange reasons. Almost half of the traffic is people doing google image searchs for "sploshing."

When I originally posted that, I had no idea that sploshing was so popular. I don't get it, but whatever makes you happy.

Recently I've gotten a lot of traffic because of the following:

That photo was from a post last April called No More Cutoffs.
Apparently people search for "cutoffs." Does anyone understand why there would be a sudden interest in "cutoffs?" Does that word have a meaning I'm not familiar with?

Dover Decision

2005-12-20T13:32:00.000-06:00

Go Team! The judge has ruled in Dover Monkey Trial. Intelligent Design is bullshit and can't be taught in public schools. I haven't read the decisions (139 pages) but it's available here.

Two Things That REALLY Piss Me Off

2005-12-06T12:23:00.000-06:00

In the space of about 10 minutes I discovered two things that really piss me off:

Starting with the major one -- I saw in the news that some young rapper had accidentally killed himself by shooting himself in the head. Ok, this sort of thing happens all the time, but the odd part was that the weapon was a "pen gun." I had to Google "pen gun." It's a .22 gun made to resemble a pen.

It has two main drawbacks: It can only fire one shot and it's only accurate at very close range (LIKE ON AN AIRPLANE, FOR INSTANCE!).

What kind of irresponsible fuckhead would manufacture something like this?

Ok, the second thing that really pissed me off was a lot more minor. The Chicago city council is voting Wednesday on whether to ban smoking in all bars and restaurants. And if that weren't enough, the Weston hotel chain announced a smoking ban in all of its 37,979 rooms in the U.S. and Canada. Now that's going too far!

My birthday is coming up soon. If you were planning to make my present a hooker and a hotel room, please make sure it's not a Weston.

Stop The Presses!

2005-12-06T10:47:00.000-06:00

From Slate.com

A study says people who have one alcoholic drink a day are 54 percent less obesity-prone than teetotalers are. (But those with four or more drinks a day are 46 percent more obesity-prone.) Another study indicates that among people who weigh too much or drink too much alcohol, those who drink more than two cups of coffee a day are only half as prone to chronic liver disease. Each study involved more than 8,000 people. Cynical take: Wash out your fat with liquor, then rinse out your liquor with coffee.

1000

2005-12-02T12:48:00.000-06:00

This morning North Carolina executed some guy. He was the 1000th person to be executed since the death penalty was reinstated in 1976.

Quiz

2005-12-01T14:37:00.000-06:00

Ok, this is a quiz. The photo shows a newborn what? (answer in Comments)

The Unimaginable

2005-12-01T11:11:00.000-06:00

I'm currently reading Edward Bellamy's Looking Backward:2000 to 1887. It was published in 1888 and the premise is that a Rip Van Winkle-like character awakens in the year 2000 to find that the world is now a utopian paradise. The bulk of the novel is a conversation comparing the world of 2000 with that of 1887.

Everyone (regardless of profession or productivity) earns exactly the same and the economy runs on a credit card system. I found it interesting that a book written in the 19th century would use the phrase "credit card." So, you're free to splurge on anything you like (a nicer house than your neighbor's) but then you're forced to economize elsewhere (shabby clothes).

Our hero's host is a retired doctor, and they've just discussed the health system in Utopia. It's basically the same as 1887 -- you go to the doctor of your choice and the cost is charged to your credit card. I found it amusing that even Bellamy, this champion of socialism, couldn't imagine the idea of free universal health coverage.

BTW: You can read the book online.

Brawn & Brains

2005-11-22T16:29:00.000-06:00

I just learned that there's something called The World Chess Boxing Organization in which contestants alternate rounds of boxing and chess.

I'm not making fun of them -- it's just an unusual combination.

One Last Post About Dover PA

2005-11-17T10:35:00.000-06:00

I know this is getting boring, so I'll keep it brief:

One of the outgoing board members wants to petition the court to have the case dismissed. His thinking is that most likely they'll lose the case and be liable for plaintiff's attorney fees of about $1M. To avoid that, the outgoing board will abandon all plans to teach Intelligent Design and the newly elected board is clearly against IT. So the case is moot and defendents agree to pay $1 in damages. The judge has already ruled that idea insane.

Unbelieveable.

Is There Any Point Trying To Understand These People?

2005-11-16T12:45:00.000-06:00

Another fun news item:

Woman Plans to Marry Man Who Shot Her

SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. -- A woman says she still plans to marry the man who shot her in the groin and then held her hostage in his family's garage for six days.

And she still wants to marry the guy who is about to go to prison for 20 years. His parents will be joining him as accessories.

Unfortunately, the article doesn't go into detail as to why he held her prisoner or if he was aiming for the groin. And of course she says it was her fault since she failed him "when he needed me most."

It's scary to think what the children of these lunatics would be like -- but the groin shot probably took care of that possibility.

The Future Of Men

2005-11-14T13:16:00.000-06:00

I was reading a newspaper article this morning about how condom companies are targeting women. Trojan has come out with something called Elexa. The following blurb caught my eye:

The Elexa product line includes freshening cloths, intimacy gel and "stimulating" condoms. One kind of condom comes with a vibrating ring that is powered by an ultra-light battery, according to product instructions.

I'm curious about this vibrating condom. Besides turning us men into walking dildoes, I wonder (besides where the battery will go) what effect it will have on the male: Will it make us all premature ejaculators or will it compensate for a less-than-exciting partner? Maybe it will compensate for the complete absence of a partner. Since it's only sold in the "female-aisle" I doubt if I will be buying any.

The Patriot Act

2005-11-10T13:40:00.000-06:00

Because of the Monkey Trial, I'm on the mailing list of the PA ACLU. I just received the following from them:

# Take Action! What You Can Do

At long last, there is movement on the PATRIOT Act.

Yesterday, in a promising shift, the House voted by unanimous voice vote to recommend a four year extension on certain PATRIOT Act provisions, as opposed to the ten year extension written into the original House legislation. This includes Section 215, which allows the FBI to exercise “secret search powers” without probable cause.

The House also named its conference committee yesterday. The committee will begin meeting today with the Senate committee to reconcile the House and Senate legislation. Among the conferees is Pennsylvania Represe ntative Curt Weldon (7th Congressional District). If you are in Rep. Weldon’s district, please contact his office and urge him to support the Senate legislation, which restores limited checks and balances. Please forward this to anyone you might know in the 7th district.

* Washington, D.C. Office: (202) 225-2011
* Upper Darby Office: (610) 259 - 0700
* Bridgeport Office (610) 270-1486

# How Is the Senate Bill an Improvement?

The Senate legislation:

* Would require the FBI to have a factual basis before seeking a Section 215 court order for the production of personal records.
* Includes time limits on sneak and peak searches.
* Contains more reasonable sunset provisions that those contained in the House bill.

These victories are largely result of the hard work of the ACLU and its allies. We have a lot to feel good about. We need to now think carefully about how we preserve these victories.
More information at the ACLU PATRIOT Act Blog

Yikes! They're At It Again!

2005-11-09T11:39:00.000-06:00

I had just posted about good news in Dover, and then I saw this article in the NYT: Kansas Board Approves Challenges to Evolution.

In their latest round of lunacy: "Among the most controversial changes was a redefinition of science itself, so that it would not be explicitly limited to natural explanations."

I feel weary.

Intelligence Wins.

2005-11-09T09:55:00.000-06:00

The Dover Monkey Trial ended last Friday, but the decision isn't expected until late December. However, the wonderful people of Dover, PA, just voted the school board out of office!

Thanks, Hot Rod, for the article

Think Of The Children!

2005-11-03T14:44:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow the Pennsylvania Monkey Trial ends. The verdict will come down whenever. I feel confident about the outcome. I've been reading the transcripts and periodically the judge will ask the witness some questions. It's pretty clear that he thinks the defendents are lying sacks of shit.

Yearbook Predictions

2005-11-02T10:48:00.000-06:00

I just saw this in the Chicago Tribune:

"Thirty-three years ago, President Bush's Supreme Court nominee, Samuel Alito, offered this entry for his Princeton yearbook: 'Sam intends to go to law school and eventually to warm a seat on the Supreme Court.' " That's pretty amazing.

I don't have my college yearbook handy, but I keep my high school yearbook here on my desk at work. It was stunning to see what I had written: "Someday I'll be an Evil Doctor who drinks a lot of beer and blogs -- whatever that is."

Scooter Libby and Penises

2005-11-01T20:36:00.000-06:00

So far, Scooter Libby is the only one indicted in the Valerie Plame scandal. I just read in Salon.com that, in 1996, he wrote an erotic novel called "The Apprentice."

"The book also includes scenes of bear-on-girl bestiality/rape/torture, in which a child is kept in a cage and repeatedly violated by a bear to prepare her for life as a prostitute. And then there's some run-of-the-mill deer mounting."
______________________

More Sex News (also from Salon):
The Toronto Sun reported "about a 21-year-old engineering student who is denying charges that he sexually assaulted a friend who spent the night with him in February 2004, claiming that his penis is just too big for such an act.

A urologist has shown the court a plastic model of a penis that supposedly approximates that of the defendant, Mischa Beutling. Beutling is 6-foot-7 and 240 pounds. His repli-cock, designed to simulate a semi-relaxed state, measured eight and a half inches in length by six and a half inches in girth. Yes. Girth."

A Prayer For The Stressed

2005-10-28T15:05:00.000-05:00

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had
to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on
today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have
to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tueday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

And help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

Amen

White Sox Parade

2005-10-28T12:22:00.000-05:00

After winning the World Series, the White Sox are back in town and they're having a parade. It's crisscrossing the city and they just went past the medical center (where I work). We all stopped what we were doing to go outside and stand on the sidewalk. It was an impressive size mob. The team drove past in double-decker buses.

As they went past, it occurred to me that I couldn't recognize (or know the name of) a single player on that team. But it was a good excuse to go outside for a smoke.

Questionable Parenting

2005-10-28T10:44:00.000-05:00

This photo appeared today on the BBC:

The caption read: Protesters in Tehran burned Israeli flags

I assume we all agree that the latest statements by Iran's president (i.e. Destoy Israel) are nuts. But the above photo makes me wonder if perhaps this lunacy isn't more systemic. I don't have children, but even I know that it's not a good idea to give handguns to small children and send them out into a crowd to blast away.

"Junior, how many times have I told you, No shooting your gun in the house! Go outside and be patriotic."

I think Iranian adults might need a few parenting classes.

Latest Pervert News

2005-10-21T13:14:00.000-05:00

Man Arrested for Sexually Assaulting Dog
Oct 21 6:38 AM US/Eastern

ONTARIO, Calif.

A man was arrested after neighbors reported seeing him sexually assaulting his family's 10-year-old female Rottweiler, police said.

Ubaldo Vasquez Huizar, 39, was arrested for investigation of two counts of sexual assault on an animal, according to a statement from Ontario police Detective David McBride.

Detectives learned of the alleged crimes after going to Huizar's home to notify him that he was required to register as a sex offender, the statement said. Huizar had been convicted last December of exposing himself to an 11-year-old girl, police said.

He also was wanted on an outstanding $10,000 drug warrant.

While at the home, police learned that Huizar was living in a large doghouse in the backyard, McBride's statement said.

Neighbors reported that he often slept naked in the doghouse with the family dog, Mayra, the statement said. They said they saw Huizar sexually assault the animal with a broom handle and his hand and heard the dog cry in pain when he was in the doghouse, the statement said.

Neighbors also reported seeing Huizar in his back yard dressed in a woman's bra and panties, dancing with a broom handle, police said.

I don't know about you, but I'd be afraid to rape a Rottweiler.

Horse Brothel

2005-10-19T11:45:00.000-05:00

There was an item in today's paper about a guy in Washington state who ran a ranch for people who want to have sex with livestock. Police became suspicious when one guy died "of acute peritonitis due to perforation of the colon." It hadn't occurred to me that people would want to be sodomized by a horse.

I'm still confused by the mechanics of that. I mean, what's supporting the horse's weight?

Broken Streaks And Hairy Women

2005-10-17T15:25:00.000-05:00

My winning streak was broken this past weekend when The Head and I went gambling in Tunica Mississippi. Oh well. But I had a good time anyway.

I flew to Nashville on Friday and we drove to Tunica. On the way we stopped for dinner in Bucksnort Tennesse. The diner sold Bucksnort t-shirts and I think we both regretted not buying one.

At the airport I saw a very heavy woman (20ish) wearing a shirt that was low-cut in the back. I was surprised to see that she had a hairy back. I don't think I've ever seen a woman with a hairy back before, and I wondered why she would wear clothes that showed off that unfortunate body feature.

Go Tammy!!

2005-10-11T16:22:00.000-05:00

This is Tammy Kitzmiller of Kitzmiller et al. v. Dover Area School District. As you might have guessed, I feel pretty strongly about the outcome of that trial.

The barbarians are at the gate!

Contest Announcement

2005-10-05T21:59:00.000-05:00

There's a tv commercial for a toothbrush with all sorts of hi-tech advances including "an on-board computer." The first time I saw the ad I assumed I had misheard it, but I just saw it again and I was correct. The amazing thing is that they don't even bother to explain what the onboard computer does. They apparently assume that its function is obvious.

So, I've decided to hold a contest for the best explanation of what they're calling a computer and what it's purpose might be. A fabulous prize (yet to be determined) will be awarded at the close of the contest (yet to be determined).

My guess is that the toothbrush computer is part of the Patriot Act and the government is tracking our personal hygiene habits for signs of terrorism.

Intelligent Design Revisited

2005-10-04T14:14:00.000-05:00

The ACLU created a blog which gives a daily summary of the Pennsylvania Monkey Trial.

Teen Films Own Death

2005-09-30T12:40:00.000-05:00

The police found the body of a dead teenager in the Wisconsin woods. He was video taping something-or-other when he was mistaken for a squirrel (?!?!) by an idiot hunter names Russell Schroeder (24) and shot twice. The teen, of course, fell to the ground, but his camera kept recording. The hunter appears on tape promising to call for help.

But ... "Instead, authorities say, Schroeder went to a birthday party, home to play video games and then to his job as a custodian at the Army's Fort McCoy near Sparta."

I just love the human race.

Yippy!!!!

2005-09-28T13:06:00.000-05:00

U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has been indicted by a Texas grand jury.

Time for a celebratory martini or two.

But when will they indict Karl Rove? And let's not forget Ken Lay.

Just When You Thought It Couldn't Get Any Worse . . .

2005-09-27T13:13:00.000-05:00

According to The Guardian (UK), Hurricane Katrina caused 36 armed dolphins to be washed into the Gulf of Mexico. Supposedly the US military had trained them to carry 'toxic dart' guns and attack terrorist scuba divers. The Guardian claims they're a danger to swimmers and divers.

This is vaguely similar to an episode of The Simpsons.

Day One of Intelligent Design Vs. Sane People

2005-09-26T13:09:00.000-05:00

Today is the start of an important trial in the Harrisburg PA U.S. District Court. The Dover PA school district mandated the teaching of "Intelligent Design" in biology classes. Eight sane families are challenging that decision.

It's been 80 years since the Scopes Monkey Trial in The Head's adopted state. So today is the beginning of Monkey Trial II: The Revenge.

Canada?!

2005-09-19T12:57:00.000-05:00

In which country are you most likely to be assaulted? Don't say America or I'll smash your brains in. The United Nations came out with a report listing the most violent countries in the developed world. According to them, the most violent country in the world is Scotland! I always thought of Scotland as a quaint happy place -- sorta like Disneyland. But you're 3 times more likely to be attacked in Scotland than the U.S.

Something Else

2005-09-16T12:13:00.000-05:00

The National Center For Health Statistics (part of the CDC) released a report called: Sexual Behavior and Selected Health Measures: Men and Women 15-44 Years of Age, United States, 2002

I was browsing through their "highlights" and was curious about the following:

Sexual orientation

In response to a question that asked, “Do you think of yourself as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or something else?” 90 percent of men 18-44 years of age responded that they think of themselves as heterosexual, 2.3 percent of men answered homosexual, 1.8 percent bisexual, 3.9 percent “something else,” and 1.8 percent did not answer the question. Percents for women were similar.

What caught my eye was the 3.9% who said they weren't straight, gay or bi, but "something else." What's left? Are they only attracted to parking meters? Cows? Reports from the CDC? What's left?

Gross Things in the News

2005-09-15T16:07:00.001-05:00

Today I came across several disturbing and/or disgusting news items:

The beauty products from the skin of executed Chinese prisoners: Cosmetics firm targets UK market. (from The Guardian) This one tells the lovely story of skinning executed prisoners and extracting collagen. The article goes on to tell how the company is expanding into using aborted fetuses. Waste not, want not.

Slate.com had an article about why most corpses drowned in New Orleans (or elsewhere) tend to float facedown. I won't bore you with the details, but it concerns uneven distribution of decomposition gases.

HOW PLACES OF REFUGE WENT TO HELL. This is from today's Chicago Tribune. It gives a day-by-day account of the truly harrowing experiences of the people in the Superdome. God help 'em.

If I had any good news, I'd share it with you. But alas ...

Happy Birthday

2005-09-12T12:43:00.000-05:00

Today is Ruben Studdard's birthday!

It's also The Head's. Happy birthday to both!

Maynard G. Krebs, R.I.P.

2005-09-06T14:12:00.000-05:00

Bob Denver (Gilligan's Island) is dead. He was 70.